Christmas 2018 has probably been the hardest Christmas ever. Depression took over, I couldn’t get into the Christmas spirt. Christmas Eve I barely moved out of my bed, I couldn’t face the fact Christmas was here and I felt so lonely, sad and hopeless. However, I managed to fake some smiles and excitement, to put out Santa’s treats with the kids, to hang their stockings and watch “the snowman” with new pjs on and hot chocolates.
Waking up Christmas morning a sense of doom floated over me, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted today to go away. With some self positive talk and will power I jumped out of bed, I kissed both of my children. Santa had been to our house the kids faces were enough to fill my soul with love and happiness, we ripped open presents, wrapping paper flying though the sky, we had fun playing with all the new gifts, singing Christmas songs and dancing around. I thought yes I can do this! We got dolled up in our nicest outfits-I put my makeup on, did my hair and sprayed my best perfume. A smile filled my face, today was going to be a good day.
We arrived at my sisters house the smell of Christmas dinner, love, hugs and family cheers surrounded the house. More gifts covered the floor, Santa has been here too. Happiness was showing on everyone’s faces, the atmosphere was magically.
Then I received an unexpected message from my ex, the message was short and to point she was thinking about me and kids and wanted us to have a good Christmas. I filled up with mixed emotions of hope, love and sadness. I replied instantly wishing her a merry Christmas. The next message off my ex hurt like a knife piercing my heart. She sent a long message telling me she will never be coming back that we are over … the rest of the message was just uncalled for and horrible. I already knew we over I had been on the road to recovery and had accepted the relationship was over. I didn’t deserve after 6 weeks of silence to hear off my ex and only for her to be telling me what I already knew but in a harsh and blunt way. Safe to say these messages suffocated all the happiness I had managed to ruffle up. I ate my dinner with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart.
Few glasses of red wine later though and I was up on karaoke, dancing with my loved ones. The day ended up being a lovely day and if I wasn’t sure before I am now that I’m so much better off without my ex. Her games and torments have no place in my life.
Christmas this year has taught me that I need to be stronger, that I need to learn self love and appreciate the loved ones that are here with me instead of wasting my life missing people who aren’t here.
Next year will be my year, I’m going to work hard and start living my life to the fullest. 💗